The Thirteen Days of Witchmas
by KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: The witch community celebrates the holidays and their gods in an idiosyncratic fashion across the thirteen days of Witch Christmas, which is not actually Witchmas, but just regular Christmas. Thirteen days of it. With monsters!
1. Thirteen Scuttling Spiders

It was December 12th, and Akko and her running crew were warm and snug in their dorm room. Lotte made hot chocolate with the help of a will o' wisp that dozed in the all-purpose bucket. The three witches gathered around the bucket and sipped fancy scratch-made hot chocolate while snow piled up on the windowsill.

"Who wants to talk about their dreams first?" Lotte said.

Sucy recoiled as if she'd waved a live wire at her.

"We're talkin' about dreams?" Akko said. "Like, dream-dreams, or great-witch-like-Chariot dreams?"

"Yeah, of course!" Lotte said. "It's the first day of Christmas! Atlach-Nacha's day! So we get nice and cozy and talk about our dreams."

"Who?"

"Atlach-Nacha," Sucy said, "the witch-god of dreams and poison and spiders. Because she's a giant spider who weaves webs across the Dreamlands." She jittered her fingers like a spider scuttling around. "That's witch Sunday school stuff."

"Well, my family's not a witch family, and I guess I didn't read anything about the religious part," Akko said, plucking a marshmallow from her cocoa and resting it on her tongue. "But you have thirteen days of Christmas? And you still call it Christmas?"

"It's a long story," Lotte said.

"Every other suggestion for Witch Christmas sounded stupid," Sucy said. "So it's Christmas so we can get in on Christmas sales and trees and elves and all that." She waited a moment. "The end."

"Huh! That would explain the spider decorations in the cafeteria," Akko said.

"The real fun starts tomorrow," Sucy said. "Attles Day is basically a warm-up. So let's enjoy our drinks and ignore the rest of it because nobody likes talking about dreams."

"I like dreams!" Lotte said.

"Hell yeah!" Akko said. "Just last night I had a really weird dream!"

"Oh, dammit," Sucy said, shrinking into herself.

"I was on the beach," Akko said, "and I was jogging, and I had this really catchy song in my head, and I saw Diana jogging the other way, except she had like this sword across her back? She said 'Watch out, there's a crab!' and there was this crab that was like missing its back half? 'I had a pet hermit crab and it escaped and mom wants me to eat it,' she says. I got this big plastic container and put a lot of sand in it and made like a little moat in the container and tricked the hermit crab into going in there-I mean, it was actually like a lobster but just the front parts, not the tail or legs, now that I think about it-and I tricked the lobbo so it was trapped in there. I show it to Diana, she's like, 'Oh thank goodness, wanna go get some curry? I'm tired of eating canned spiders.' I was all whaaaaaat and you see I found out the other day that, like, canned spiders are a thing people will eat? And I guess it spooked me out enough that I had a dream about it. And what do you know, it's like, Spider Day! So maybe my dream was telling me to be ready about spiders! And maybe hermit crabs! That are the front half of lobsters!"

"Wow," Lotte said, eyes misty.

"What an amazing dream that you probably had," Sucy said, a little too loud. She'd plugged her ears with marshmallows and was toasting more over the napping will o' wisp.

"I don't have dreams a lot," Lotte said, inching closer to the fire, "but when I do they're so detailed and they last for hours or days... I had a dream that went on for months once. Lemme get my viewing globe, actually, I wrote it all down!"

"Yes!" Akko said, pumping her fist as Lotte fetched her magitech computer and fired up a word processor. "Super dream adventure go!"

Sucy closed her eyes and daydreamed about terribly filthy things while gulping down well-toasted marshmallows.


	2. Twelve Tastes of Lotus

When the stage got set up in the cafeteria, that meant one of two things: something amazing, or something the exact opposite of amazing. The Zhar-Lloigor Day Play was, charitably phrased, the exact opposite of amazing. It starred Sucy's oldest little sisters, each dressed up in a lizard-themed onesie. Right now they were presenting a plain white cloth doll to two lumpy idols.

"Zharlloigor, we have brought you strange new meat!" said Garie, Sucy's fangly little sister who looked more like her.

"Be you two or one, may you be satiated by foreign-born flesh!" said Sabi, Garie's flatter-toothed, meatball-bun-sporting twin.

Garie and Sabi tossed the doll at the idols. Slightly hidden behind them, Sucy tugged the doll between the idols and made overly vigorous eating noises through her taped-on microphone. "This white flesh is novel to the taste," Sucy said. "They have never felt my poison in their virgin blood nor seen the Shugoran with their innocent eyes. Miri nigri, you have pleased me. Cast off your soft skin and go among them. Teach them suffering, that I, the Two or One, may be pleased more."

"Yes, Zharlloigor!" Garie said, crawling out of her onesie.

"May the living die in pain!" Sabi said, fanning herself.

Sucy climbed up between the idols. "From that day on, the Tcho-Tcho people went out among man and witch alike to spread their poison in the name of their creator. And in light of this, we announce that the appetizers and aperitifs are poisoned." She paused to take in the sound of dozens of witches spitting or puking. "Mm' mm. The main courses are not poisoned, so when you're ready, have some, why not. Sucy out." She peeled her mic off, held it out, and dropped it to no particularly unpleasant noise.

"Come on, let's find a stray dog," Garie said.

"Nuh-uh, let's find a stray _cat_!" Sabi said.

"Your mics are on," Sucy said.

"We want 'em all to know we're gonna kill a dog eventually," Garie said.

"No, we're gonna kill a cat right now!" Sabi said.

"You're all a shame to this family!" Mrs. Manbavaran said from the front row while having gigantic breasts. She resumed drinking from a one-and-three-quarter liter of Tanduay Silver rum.

"We try!" Sucy said.

"Sucy's family is kind of awful," Akko said, sotto voce, after throwing up her several dozen spring rolls.

"Yeah... yeah, it is," Lotte said.


	3. Eleven Snowflakes Falling

"This was the worst idea in the history of the universe," Sucy said, huddling up to the fire. The fire in the actual fire pit that Lotte assembled with a minimum of sorcery and a maximum of bigness out in the woods. Sucy wafted the heat into her coat. "Stay in me, heat."

"I think this is cool!" Akko said from within a layer of scarves keeping her head warm. "Literally. I'm very cold."

"It's just right for Ithaqua Day!" Lotte said, taking her seat around the bonfire. "We're going to tell scary stories about the Walker on the Wind! In fact, I think I'm going to open up with the classic historical fiction story, Algernon Blackwood's 'The Wendigo.' Ahem!" Lotte held up her phone and flicked through her list of .pdfs. "Do you want the classic, or the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark version? I can show you the pictures when you gotta get spooked!"

"Could you say that again?" Sucy said, pulling a pot from over the fire, "I brewed a potion of cold warding because I have just had it up to here with sweating in my clothes just to be warm."

"Ooh, ooh, me too!" Akko said.

"Of course, friend of friends. Drink deep." She poured herself a tall flask and Akko a mug, threw out the rest of the brew over her shoulder, and the two downed their potion in an instant. "Mm-mm. Feel that warmth." She stripped down to her school uniform and used her jacket as a pillow. "Now, what was that you were saying?"

Lotte adjusted her parka. "Well. If you're gonna play easy mode, I'll just have to play hardball... I mean mode. Hard mode, like on a video game." She pocketed her phone and equipped her wand. "Just a moment."

"Sure thing, Lotte!" Akko said, nesting in her shed winter wear.

The fire sputtered and died down to coals and embers. Lotte loomed over the pit, the dying light lending an eerie cast to her soft features. "When I was a little girl, we spent one Christmas out at the family cabin deep in the woods. My father and I went for more firewood, but at some point, we'd gotten turned around, and the wind blew snow over our tracks. So we had to trudge through the ancient woods alone, on a clear, velvet-black winter solstice. It was so cold out just breathing felt like inhaling needles. It was so clear it felt unreal, like I was dreaming on my feet."

Sucy nodded along. Akko wondered how long it was gonna take the cold resist potion to actually kick in.

"My mother always told me that the spirits of winter would keep me safe if I was ever lost. But the mana of that forest was not mine to use. I mustered what I could to speak with any spirit who would hear me. The wind whispered: 'you are dead.' That was when I heard the footsteps.

"My father covered my eyes, stood over me. But even if he'd covered my ears instead, I could feel them. The tread of titanic feet on the cold earth. The wind howling its fury. There was snow, sudden and furious, whipping into us like broken glass.

"Mother Mormo help me, I looked up through the gap in my father's fingers.

"Those eyes..."

The fire sputtered out completely. The dense cloud cover left them only with imagined light, save, perhaps, that which was reflected in Lotte's glasses.

"They smoldered in the sky like funeral pyres. They left eye-cutting trails in the night as the Walker on the Wind cast His shadow on the sleeping earth. I don't know if He saw me that night. Maybe I was lucky.

"Or maybe... He did see me. Perhaps, that bitter night, He extended a promise to me. To let me live... so long as every year of my life... on the night of His worship... I would bring Him _tender prey_."

In the sky far above great burning eyes opened.

Akko shrieked and fired off her entire reserves of magic into the sky. The especially well-fed bonfire spirits ducked out of the way of her bullet curtain.

Lotte giggled. "Ooh, I got you! Akko, you scaredy-cat."

Akko's screams gave way to laughter. "You did, you lil' scamp!"

The fire spirits settled back into the pit and burned merrily. "I've been practicing that one for like a month," Lotte said, taking her seat."

"Gotta hand it to ya, that was some showmanship," Sucy said. "That's points, there."

"You better believe it," Akko said, practically hugging the fire. "By the way, Sucy, I'm not feeling the cold resist yet? Or do you not really feel it?"

"I washed that mug with the counter-potion first," Sucy said.

"...hey! I could've gotten frostbite, you jerk!" Akko said.

"I know," Sucy said wistfully.


	4. Ten Embers Burning

"Witchmas has a lot of fires, doesn't it?" Akko said as the students of Luna Nova gathered around a big fire on the school grounds.

"You're paying attention," Sucy said.

"This is an important fire indeed!" Lotte said. "Today, in honor of Cthugha the Star Heart, we burn up things that represent our guilt or failings, reflect on what we've learned in order to and then have a big feast of slow-cooked food to celebrate what we look forward to in the new year!"

"I hear food," Akko said.

"Awright, next!" Prof. Nelson said, waving off a few witches who threw in their burnables. Constanze's running crew took their turn.

"I'll go first," Amanda said. "As the school's coolest American, I'd just like to apologize on behalf of America this year." She threw a paper lantern painted up like a crying Americaball into the mighty flames. "I'm totally flawless, of course, so I thought I'd shoulder that particular burden."

"Today I think back on all the fad exercises I tried to get into and frown knowingly," Jasminka said, throwing in a book on Catflexing, the official guide on losing weight by moving cats around. "It turns out catflexing does not apply to possums."

Constanze flicked a paper doll of Akko into the flames.

"A'ight, take a moment to reflect on shit..." Nelson said, checking her watch. "Nine, ten. Awright, next! Get outta here you frickin' weirdos."

Akko's crewe took their place. "Hi, fire!" Akko said.

"Let's get this over with," Sucy said, throwing in a stick figure with an upside-down crown hanging over its face.

Lotte fed the flames a pile of abandoned or neglected fanfiction she'd printed out in town, because the library refused to have scanners or computers just in case. "I swear I will finish at least half of you next year."

Akko folded a picture of herself with a dunce cap and angry eyes into a paper plane and flung it in. The airplane caught an updraft, caught aflame as it swooped around, and hit Prof. Finnelan's hat, catching it on fire. "Oh, son of a-" Finnelan shouted, throwing her hat down and stomping it out.

"Sorry!" Akko said.

"Nice," Nelson said, sliding Akko a five-pound note.


	5. Nine Gentle Touches

"There's an old English saying I'm not sure you've heard, Akko," Lotte said, kneeling next to Akko. "It goes like this: 'a watched pot never boils.'"

"But a witched pot should be happening right now." Akko glared at the pale blobs of batter slowly cooking behind the oven door. "So hurry the hell up, cookies!"

"Not anything Japanese, Akko? I'm disappointedly startled in you," Sucy said from her bed. (For, you see, Luna Nova rented out Port-O-Ovens for students to bake He Who Is Not To Be Named Day treats for their significant others in secret, as tradition required treats to be made by hand.)

"I don't feel like pounding mochi," Akko said. "Not when I'm gonna be-"

"I get what you're putting down," Sucy said, "but I don't want to think about it very hard. So go ahead and bake your stupid little cookies like the love-feeler you are."

"Heck yeah," Akko said, fidgeting as she waited for the cookies to start tanning.

* * *

Akko glided to the leyline terminal on her broom, a sack of warm cookies in her lap, the snow on the ground gently swirling in her wake. She had never felt so very much like a witch as she did now, even if she was sticking to flying with her toes just an inch above the snow.

"Hi, Diana!" she said once Diana was in hearing range, landing with what was almost grace (and was definitely a flop onto the snow with the cookies held well above her prone body). She licked snowflakes from her lip as she used her broom to prop herself back onto her feet. "You're looking gorgeous today!"

Diana wore a fetching long black coat with matching earmuffs and boots. "You're looking just as beautiful," she said, brushing the snow from Akko's side with less speed and closer caressing than was strictly called for. Akko wore a baggy purple parka and multiple layers of sweatpants.

"I made cookies!" Akko said, holding out her bag.

"Oh, thank you!" Diana unwrapped the tie holding the bag close and helped herself to one. Her eyes lit up. "Goodness, this is..."

"Chocolate chip cookies wih some pecans Sal March sold me," Akko said, beaming. "It's super exotic, huh?"

"It's delicious, that's certain," Diana said, re-wrapping the bag. "I made you something, though it's back at my room. I'll be sure to give it to you after we get back from London."

"We're gon' to London?!" Akko said.

"We are indeed," Diana said, holding a bundle of walnuts bound with ivy, clearly an old-fashioned mana battery in the context. "For a very special He Who Is Not To Be Named Day celebration."

Akko held her breath and hoped it was something freaky.

* * *

It was, but not the kind of freaky Akko was hoping for.

The Foundation of the Feasting Hands was a little, modern building in an old part of London, quiet as a church on Tuesday. Diana handed off a check to the lady at the desk, then led Akko to a small room in the back. The room was dimly lit, save for a plain rectangular pedestal, though Akko couldn't actually see where the light illuminating it was coming from. Sitting on top of it was an old, cloudy jar filled with brackish liquid and... yep, that was an organ.

In silence, Diana knelt in front of the pillar and prayed.

Akko followed suit, entirely in the dark but wanting to help. She took the moment to pray that Diana was okay and that this was a good thing to be doing.

After a while, Diana stood, Akko too, and they left the building, wreathed in an aura of solemnity.

"Are you okay?" Diana said once they were a few blocks away.

"I... guess?" Akko said. "I just feel stupid 'cause I have no idea what we just did."

"That was Catherine Eddowes's kidney," Diana said. "One of the victims of Jack the Ripper. He mailed her kidney to the police. After a while, through some process academia is still arguing about, it became a reliquary aligned with the energies of He Who Is Not To Be Named."

"Isn't he..."

"...the god of perversion, gluttony, addiction, cannibalism, sexual disease, and love." The light at this crosswalk was taking its damn time turning. "Eddowes was a prostitute, her kidney was ravaged by disease, and the Ripper claimed to have eaten half of it. And given how brightly her reliquary glows with nurturing mana, someone cared about her very much."

"Witch church is weird." Akko said this softly, in case someone with capitalized pronouns was listening.

"Most people who aren't witches look at our gods and ask why we could worship the nightmare things stranded here when Yggdrasil withered away." Diana sighed, her breath a flower of fog. "As the power of magic faded and man became truly alone, they were our last connection to the wider universe we've lost. They're frightening and powerful... but they're lost, and alone. Like us. And when we ask for help, they listen. They love those nobody else will. That makes them worthy of prayer."

The light changed and they could get a move on at last. Akko turned the thoughts around in her head.

"That was a donation, wasn't it?" Akko said.

"Very astute," Diana said, and meant it. "They're a health and advocacy group. They do good work."

"That's a good thing to do, Diana," Akko said, putting her arm around her girlfriend's shoulder. "That was a mighty good thing to do."

Diana smiled for the first time since they'd stepped through the terminal. "Come on, let's get something tasty."

* * *

By the time they got to Luna Nova, they were well-fed, caught up on their Christmas shopping, and abundant with energy to expend. But first.

"Here," Diana said, offering Akko a primly-wrapped box. "I hope you like it."

Akko tore through the wrapping in short order and opened the box. Inside was an assortment of hand-made chocolate bars with assorted filling trickling down the open sides. Her eyes grew enormous. "Oh my God this looks so good," she said.

"I'm glad you-" Diana said before Akko grabbed one with Nutella and marshmallow spread and chomped it down in a few bites before having to chew through the resultant mess at length, crying with delight at its taste and giving Diana two thumbs up. Diana giggled.

Things progressed as they tended to progress with sufficient energy and alone-time.

Elsewhere, Hannah and Barbara had agreed to both wear a long blonde wig tonight.


	6. Eight Serpents Seething

The entire school was called in to the auditorium at noon on He Who Is Not To Be Named Day. Finnelan took her place at the podium, took a deep breath, and asked: "How many students here have seen the scene from Animal House where the fraternity witch does a Yig Snake Daddy medicine dance?"

About half the school raised their hands, as did half the staff.

"Please _do not_ perform the dance at any time from midnight tonight to midnight tomorrow. Furthermore, if you dance _at all_ , under no circumstances should you imply it is in order to placate, appease, delight, or otherwise _interact_ with Yig Snake Daddy. Experts will be present to lead authorized witches in ceremonies to Yig on the multi-use sports pitch. Those who are insufficiently skilled are invited to watch and only watch. Humming or whistling along to the music is allowed though discouraged, but toe-tapping, clapping, or any kind of percussion is to be avoided at all cost."

Amanda raised her hand.

"Yes, Ms. O'Neill?"

"What about air-drumming? Like this." She air-drummed, nodding her head along.

Finnelan consulted the rest of the staff. "For safety purposes, we'll have to say 'no.'"

"Sure thing," Amanda said, winking.

"Spectacular. Now enjoy the rest of your day and try not to catch anything we'll need Nurse Horowitz to fix."

* * *

"Frick's sake, somebody help me!" Amanda said one day later, gunning it down the halls with a rattlesnake in hot pursuit behind her. It was seven feet long, not including the oversized rattle, and had a crescent-moon symbol on its forehead. Witches ducked out of her way. "Please? Come on!"

"Gotcha, kid," a goblin said, sticking his broom in the path of the snake. It just slithered around the head without losing speed. "Okay, nevermind."

"I swear I wasn't doing anything! I wasn't even saying 'hey listen to this Y-'" Constanze popped out of her locker, leaping into a hurricanrana and dragging her friend to the ground. "Cons," she gasped, "you're literally killin'-"

Constanze slapped one headphone on the ground and hit play on an MP3 player. "Yig Snake Daddy" by the Darkest of the Hillside Thickets, with maxed out bass, played into the ground.

The snake slithered to a stop, then wriggled around on the ground to the music.

"Holy shit," Amanda said. "Was that some kinna anti-snake superweapon?"

Constanze pulled out a comment card: "More or less."

"Hot damn."

Cons rolled off of her and dragged her off by her collar. The snake lost interest and slithered away back to wherever Yig's mystic assassins go when they're not hunting people who have offended the Serpent Father.

"Wait, wait, where we goin'?" Amanda said, fumbling back to her feet after a few yards of following along by scrambling on all fours.

* * *

Constanze, it turned out, had moved her movie setup to a No Snakes Allowed bunker with vibration-canceling padding on the walls and floor, and thus was watching the "Whacking Day" episode of The Simpsons uninterrupted.

"S'real forward-thinkin' of you, watching a pro-snake thing on a day about a thing you hate," Amanda said, eating some Red Vines.

Constanze held up a sign: "I like to foster understanding towards things I don't like."

"Like Akko?"

"It's complicated," read the comment card Constanze held up.

* * *

"It's nice of your aunt to help with the thing," Akko said, sidling up to Diana.

"Whatever else may be said of her, she is quite spiritual," Diana said. "Abundantly so on Yig's day. That and she was never the type to turn down eating a truly inadvisable amount of mescaline."

A dozen medicine drummers from several North American tribes were busy placating Yig Snake Daddy in His ineffable slumber; in the middle of their circle were Daryl Cavendish and her twin daughters dance-writhing with their serpent familiars while a good couple of hours into a mother of a trip.

"THE OUROBOROUS HAS TURNED 'ROUND AND THE COILS DECLARE A TRUTH," Daryl said. "THE TIME IS COME TO MAKE A NEW CAVENDISH." She ripped at her clothes.

Akko moved to cover Diana's eyes and laid her hand on Diana's hands.

"Should we stop this?" Akko said.

"No," Diana sighed. "This is how it usually happens with Cavendishes: high as a cloud and honoring some god of fertility or the other."

"You know what? We should be going to your room, far away from here."

"I really agree," Diana said.

"ANY TAKERS?" Daryl said. "HUH? COME ON!"


	7. Seven Ringing Bells

The school bells tolled again at lunch.

"Hang on, lemme answer this one!" Akko said, flipping through The Elder Gods And You: My First Book of Cosmic Terror. "Here we go, Daoloth, the Render of the Veils! Ahh, so he's kind of like a bunch of bells with eyes between 'em, sort of, and the bells are a pleasing noise to him! Cool!"

"Congratulations, Akko," Sucy said. "You've caught up with the kindergarteners."

"Oh, and today's a day to challenge your brain 'cause he's all about learning and stuff!" Akko said. "I think that might be why Amanda invited me to play A Man Cons Jazz."

"What?"

"This magic board game they made or something. It sounds neat."

"No."

"Maybe we could invite them over to play with us instead!" Lotte said. "My papa sent me one of those puzzle-room-in-a-box games since I can't visit this year. We could get the whole gang together and try and solve it!"

"That sounds AWESOME!" Akko said. "I'm great at mysteries!"

"Continuing my combo chain of being mildly satisfied with you," Sucy said, "I'm startled you can get excited for a day without food or burning things or Diana's aunt getting pregnant."

They all fell into a brief silence in memory of the dignity of the Cavendishes. Well, Akko and Lotte did. Sucy chortled in a dead-on impression of Muttley.

"Better get Diana invited too," Lotte said.

"Do we have to invite her slaves?" Sucy said. "I kind of hate everything about them and their stupid bitch faces."

"Hey, I like them!" Lotte said.

"You would."

"Hey, hey, idea!" Akko said, snapping her fingers. "How about we do a little exchange? Me and Lotte and Diana solve some puzzles, you and Hannah and Barbara hang out and get to know each other!"

"... ... ... ... ...yes," Sucy said. "That sounds like a great idea."

* * *

"Hooray!" Lotte and Akko and Diana said.  
"Room one, down and out!" Akko said, kissing the Level 1 card.  
"Don't celebrate just yet, there's two to go," Diana said, reading the setup for the second room. "Ooh, this is a tricky one."  
"I hope Sucy's learning to get along," Lotte said. "She seems like she could use a friendship lesson of some kind."

* * *

Freezing water splashed over Hannah's face, jolting her out of a deep, drug-induced sleep. "Sbuh...?"

She was in Finnelan's special purpose room. Finnelan commissioned it to host witch-made modern art, only for the first artist who was to be featured to be arrested, his blocky, abstract sculptures winding up being designed to smuggle heroin, Nazi gold, and coins from one show to the next. The room thus fell into disuse other than the occasional Halloween prank, though Amanda O'Neill's turn this year ended prematurely.

Speaking of, Barbara was here, chained to a pipe on the wall across from her. Water flushed onto her from a grate overhead, forcing her awake. "Oh God I'm drowning!" she sputtered, "Sweet Mother Hydra don't drag me under to... oh, it's you."

"Yeah, it's me, who else would it be?" Hannah said.

"You're right," Barbara said. "But why are we in Finnelan's scary hole?"

"Phrasing!" Hannah said. "Even if it probably is scary, too!"

A cathode-ray TV bolted to the wall flickered to life, an image of Sucy in strange face paint-a solid blue band across her eye(s) and mouth-staring at the captive witches. "Good evening, ladies," Sucy said. "I trust that you're seated comfortably?"

"We could be moreso!" Barbara said.

"Let us go, Manbavaran!" Hannah said, puffing out her chest to look more intimidating (so went her thought processes). "If you do now then we won't turn you in to the campus police when we're done!"

"We have campus police?" Barbara said.

Someone behind Sucy laughed and nudged her out of the way. "Oh, you poor children... this is a school-sponsored science experiment. For the honoring of Daoloth, the Render of the Veils, whose knowledge grants no solace and whose wisdom provides no comfort." Prof. Finnelan mugged for the camera. Sucy wriggled her way back in front.

"Now, speaking of," Sucy said, "let's start with the first scientific inquiry of the evening. 'Given two effectively interchangeable witches, which one can find the key hidden inside one of them before we release the rattlesnakes that stuck around after yesterday?'"

Cages full of irritated rattlesnakes lowered from the ceiling.

"But we're chained up!" Barbara said, panic creeping into her voice. "How are we gonna reach each other if we can't do that?"

"Wait. I didn't chain you up."

"Oh, I did," Finnelan said. "You had plenty of cutting instruments in there, I figured-"

"Yeah, some kitchen knives and hammers, professor, by the time they cut their arm off they're gonna have to slice all the way through and break the bones and all that nonsense, it's gonna eat up way too much time!"

"Oh, shoot, I got carried away. Hold on down there, give us just a sec..." Finnelan fiddled around with something just out of sight. "There, the emergency unlock."

The cages opened and the snakes slithered free.

"Wrong unlock, genius," Sucy said.

Hannah and Barbara screeched.

* * *

Back in the little cafe outside of the library, where there was hot chocolate and cookies, Finny and Sucy watched Barbara and Hannah struggle to escape from the jumpropes loosely tied around their waists and trying to fend off the plush snakes mildly animated by sorcery.

"Interesting," Sucy said. "They're really getting into it."

"What drug did you give them?" Finnelan said.

"Don't say 'drug,' it's a potion. The potion is datura extract diluted in water but that's basically a potion."

"Nice job on the makeup, by the way."

"It's traditional for sacrifices." She took a noisy sip from her hot chocolate.

"Shouldn't there be a control group?" Finnelan said.

"What are we, _scienc_ itches?"


	8. Six Golden Verses

Christmas break was on in earnest after the weekend. Luna Nova was a ghost town, much of the studentry returning home for Christmas, and most who didn't were on a day trip out to Blytonbury to watch movies at the Last Light Theater. It was Magnum Innomi... Inominan... Great Unnameable One Day, after all, and the day to celebrate art in all its forms.

In the empty student union by the eternal chair fire, a mighty union began to forge.

"Sucy Manbavaran," Wangari said, keeping an arm's length between them.

"Wangari, student of Luna Nova and Rhodes," Sucy said.

"We're both down a few bandmates."

"We are indeed."

"In spite of everything, I propose we pool our forces."

"An interesting proposition. Sucy Manbavaran and the Sucy Manbavaran Band versus...?"

"And. The Man-band-varan and Wooden Winter."

"Never say that name again and I say we do it."

"Deal."

Short bows substituted for a handshake.

Constanze set up her drum kit by the little tea kiosk and strapped her earphones on. She gave a thumbs up.

Joanna, Wangari's photographer, wearing a homemade t-shirt reading HELLO, MY NAME IS JOANNA, YOU'RE WELCOME, tuned her bass.

Kimberly, Wangari's stenographer, wearing a headband with "I'M KIMBERLY" written in Kanji across it, twisted her doomsday key in the IMMANENTIZE lock on her keyboard and thus armed it.

Wangari played a few low notes on her lead guitar. "Ready, Sooce?"

"The Sooce is loose," Sucy said, grabbing the mic stand. "Eins. Zwei. Eins, zwei, drei-" She snapped her fingers, and Wangari played the opening riff of "No Rain." Their cover subbed an acoustic guitar with Kimberly's keyboard synthing an acoustic guitar with an echoing, acid-rock flavor and Sucy's inappropriately intimate vocal stylings and intimations with the mic stand. If any criticism were to be had, Constanze ran away with a lengthy drum solo in the middle of the instrumental, but Wangari jumping over and engaging her in a duel to be the most heavily easygoing was a highlight.

"Oh, oh oh oh oh," Sucy purred into the mic, and their fifteen-minute-long No Rain came to a stop. Sucy bowed, Wangari tipped her visor, Constanze simply primed for the next song, and Joanna and Kimberly just tried to exist.

Their audience clapped. Their audience was a single, very tall, very thin man, in ragged yellow robes.

"Is that okay?" Joanna said. "Are we normal?"

"Normalcy exists only to break completely," Sucy said. "Just don't listen to him if he starts talking and maybe don't open any doors for a while."

"...did we bring snacks?" Kimberly said.

"Eh," Constanze said.

"The crossover continues," Sucy said. "Alrighty, Wan-Wan. Rock paper scissors. I win, we play 'Cirice.'"

"I win, it's 'King Kong Loves the Blonde One.'" Wangari said, holding out her fist.

One, two, three. Both threw paper.

"Alright, then," Sucy said, "'Brown Eyed Girl.'"

"The sad version by Everclear?"

"You know me so well." She reached to touch Wangari's face, only to get a gentle slap. "Alright. Then let's begin. This one starts all meta, you'll like that, faceless specter of madness!"

* * *

"Wow," Akko said, lying on the grass outside of the Last Light Theater. At least the grass had to be under the snow, by her estimation. "I can't believe they got away with that much on-screen sex in a 12-rated movie."

"It's artistic," Diana said, seated next to her. "Besides, it was inevitable from the minute Finn and Poe met."

They watched the arguments between the rest of their class erupt into full-blown gang warfare in front of the theater.

"In hindsight," Diana said, "maybe a movie less prone to bringing out salt would've been a better-"

The two witches rolled away as a flaming car smashed against the ground where they had laid and bounced away, rolling down the hill into a terribly inconvenient puddle of kerosene someone had thoughtlessly left behind.

"I think this is what Yellow Guy would want," Akko said.

"You're probably right."

Back in the theater, Finnelan and Badcock continued watching the ending credits while the LSD kept working through their systems.


	9. Five Promises

Tsathoggua clamped its procedrually-generated lips around a yards-long pipe ending in what stank of a crack house, reeking of both methamphetamine fumes and the body odor of people who have given up on everything but staving off withdrawal. Saint Toad was a colossal beast, draped with oily fur, body squat and rotund, hind legs too long and too skinny, forelimbs longer yet, the asymmetrical number and shape of fingers on each hand webbed. It said in a low, gurgling voice: "I was told there would be ham."

The image of the god sat at every lunch table in the cafeteria pushed together. It was the best they could do in light of the incident. He was at the far end of the cafeteria, with everyone still present at school clustered at the opposite in fear of incurring his mercurial temperament.

"Apologies!" Chariot said, bowing, "there was an incident with the hogs we ordered. But we do have a very distinct feast ready for you! Presuming you like sweets, Mighty Tsathoggua." She said this through a microphone, safely out of reach.

"Of course I do," the avatar said. "That's like asking if my uncle's name is difficult to pronounce even relative to the names of other beings from higher realities."

"Fantastic!" Chariot said. "I'm sure our chef won't be long, Your Divinity."

* * *

Jasminka raised the megaphone spell to her mouth: "You have been born to die nobly for the honor of Mighty Tsathoggua. Are you prepared for this, Jam Buddies?"

The Jam Buddies silently convened amongst themselves. These were truly magnificent inventions of Jazzy's: humanoid pastries built around bones of crispy sweetened rice, stuffed with jam-filled organs and baked musculature, outfits and hair of fruit leathers, and big smiling faces meticulously painted on with food dye.

The Jam Buddies pulled apart, a seeming leader emerging from the pack. It was somewhat overstuffed, browned from coming out of the ovens last and leaking jam from a split in its crust. It dabbed its mitteny hands in its own jam and spelled this on the kitchen wall: " N O . " It squeezed its thumb into the tile as it punctuated its declaration.

Jasminka aimed her wand. "Too bad." She exerted her will on the Buddies and forced them to march, all save the overcooked leader. After a long moment with its pastry boots planted firm, Jasminka got it shuffling forward, resisting the call of the void with every flake and crumb and heaping teaspoonful of its being.

"Good, good," Jazzy said, gently patting the overbaked one's bubble-laced gummy hair. "Just like Soggy likes it."

* * *

"You really fought Conan once?" Akko said into the mic.

"One of my avatars, yes," Tsathoggua said from a second mouth appearing on what was approximately its head, as its first was occupied with... let's go with "consuming" his aperitif of stuff cleaned out of the kitchen's grease traps.

Akko's eyes flowed with tears. "I knew he was real."

Tsathoggua groaned, a noise like an earthquake. "Oh, don't be so sentimental. He was just the most physically excellent example of humanity in the Hyperborean age and the only human being capable of looking his betters in the eye and making them blink. His empire has passed and his people are lost. What use is he simply surviving on as a symbol of hope and achievement to millions?"

"I could name a few things but 'cause you taught the first witches how to do magic and represent the masculine aspect of magic I'll respectfully trail off!" Akko smiled. "Thank you for teaching us about magic, Saint Toad!"

Tsathoggua chuckled. "This one has respect. I appreciate that."

A triangle (the instrument) jingled just outside the cafeteria. "Dinnertime, Mr. Soggy~" Jasminka said, stepping through the door with a crowd of Jam Buddies behind her. The pastry people waved at anything that looked like it would appreciate being waved at: students, teachers, Akko, Tsathoggua (who grew an extra limb to wave back).

The avatar threw the grease trap trough through a wall. "This sacrifice I take gladly, child of Earth."

Jasminka herded the Jam Buddies into a vague circle, having to gently pat some of the stragglers into place. "Bon appetit, Mr. Soggy!" She hopped back a few feet.

Tsathoggua emanated a mighty, grasping member perhaps analogous to a tongue, engulfing and crushing the Jam Buddies into a doughy, jammy mess before slurping them into a gaping maw to vanish forever. Even well away from the murder zone Jasminka got splashed with a fair amount of jam.

"Beautiful," Jasminka said, wiping away tears and some jam with a hankie.

"Wow," Akko said.

"Well, all's well that ends well!" Chariot said. "We're glad to have had you as a guest, Tsathoggua, but I'm afraid we'll be ending the ritual in just a mo-"

The avatar held up several limbs. "Wait. There's one more."

Indeed, a well-baked straggler was creeping into the room, hand over a wound in its side.

"I'll take my leave once I finish my dinner. That's to be expected."

"Of course," Chariot said, trying to will the flop-sweat from coming out.

The last Jam Buddy approached Tsathoggua. The avatar shifted its bulk towards the baked good-and as it projected a crushing tongue, the Jam Buddy leaped over the grasping limb and ripped a good-sized knife free from its side and attacked.

"Oh, dear," Jasminka said. "Sorry, let me calm her down!"

"No," Tsathoggua said, thrashing at the Jam Buddy with a bloom of meaty limbs, "this is fine! I like a little fight now and again!"

The Jam Buddy and Tsathoggua's avatar battled for a good few minutes, the living pastry emerging victorious after plunging its blade into one of the avatar's eyes.

"Oh, dammit!" Tsathoggua said. "Hziulquoigmnzhah won't ever let me hear the end of this o-"

The avatar swelled with a bleak anti-light before collapsing in on itself, leaving behind a pulsing orb of darkness that decayed into the familiar green glow of magic. The Jam Buddy fell to the floor, wounded in a dozen places, its left leg completely gnawed off and leaking grape jelly.

"Well," Chariot said, scrubbing her brow with the brim of her hat, "that's one way to end the conjuration."

"We'd better not be getting fined for that," Badcock said. "...that was Tsathoggua's avatar getting ganked we all just saw, right?"

"Yeah," Finnelan said.

"I wasn't asking you, that's like... that's like tasting more yellow snow to see if you just ate yellow snow."

Jasminka approached the victorious Jam Buddy. "Hey there, pal," she said. "That was some display you just-"

The Jam Buddy stabbed her in the gut.

"Ow! Jerk!" She jammed (get it?) her wand into the Buddy's smiling face and blasted its baked head into oven-fresh chunks. "Nuuuuurse! She got me where my food has to go!"

"Step back, bitches, I got this," Nurse Horowitz said, hefting a concrete saw over her shoulder.

The cafeteria emptied out with a quickness.

* * *

Headmistress Holbrooke sat on a bench and watched her students enjoy a snowball fight which rapidly escalated into displays of wintery sorcery. Witches on floating snow platforms threw plump snowballs over icy fortifications firing back with flurries of snow. It made her old heart swell with pride to see such sport.

Jasminka settled in the bench next to her, her midsection wrapped in entirely too many layers of bandages that were duct taped in place over her uniform. "Hey, headmistress," she said.

"Healing up, Ms. Antonenko?" Holbrooke said, offering her a bonbon.

"Getting there," Jasminka said. "Thank you." She unwrapped the chocolate and popped it in her mouth, chewing slowly. "Weren't there s'pposed to be some boy witches visiting from St. Joe's House of Witchmen?"

Holbrooke giggled. "Is that the nickname for it, now? In all seriousness, I haven't received a phone email from them yet, I'm not sure where they could've gone off to."

"Hope they won't be long," Jasminka said. "I baked up a whole mess 'a pies for some healthy boys to enjoy..." She licked her lips as complex scenarios of intimacy played out in her mind.

* * *

"You sure this is the right place?" Antony said, checking his phone.

"It should be," Micha said, checking the knob on the door. "Not sure why they'd want us in a specific dorm or anything, but-" He opened the door.

Inside were Wangari and Sucy. Wangari wore a classic red velvet dress with white faux-fur trim, Sucy an indigo kimona with a golden lotus pattern embroidered across the chest.

"Hey there, boys," Wangari said.

"Wanna get scarred for life~?" Sucy said.


	10. Four Canvases

Dear ma + pa

Witch Christmas ("Witchmas" in English) is really cool! I'm learning all about it by doing it. There's a lot of food and burning. Conan is real! Yeah! The school went to the movies and saw the new Star Wars and it was cool! There was a big snowball fight yesterday and that was cool too. Sucy is really chilled out today so that's cool too. Everything is COOL! For Daoloth Day I learned that we have color-coded sashes and hatbands for roommates to help keep identify bodies cuz there's not always enough teeth or DNA left behind to identify after big magic accidents.

Tomorrow is Cthulhu Day so I'm gonna eat some 'certain alkaloidal herbs' (Lotte typed that for me!) and have spooky dreams! Ha ha I'm a stoner like Finny and Badcock :D I won't get hooked I promise!

Well off to have a dream!

Love,

Akko

* * *

"Aaaah," Sucy said, "it was nice to get laid." She smelled her hair.

"I'm glad for you," Lotte said, holding a framed photo to her chest. "I really am."

"Thank you," Sucy said. Akko, seated on her bed as she wrote an email on her phone, gave her a sharp nudge to the ribs. "And, uh, you know... sorry about how it all wound up."

Lotte mustered a smile. "I appreciate it, Sucy."

Sucy muttered under her breath. Akko elbowed her. "I said 'I bet that mouse posse tested good!' You know, from Secret of NIMH?"

"'Mouse?' Really?" Akko said.

"That was a classic," Lotte said.

"What was a classic, now?" Akko said.

"Oh my God, you do-" Lotte hiccuped up a small fish that flopped around on the floor. "I mean, Mighty Cthulhu, how did you not know that one? We really need to catch you up! Some other night, anyway."

"Sounds great!" Akko yawned. "Ahh, but I think those herbs are kicking in."

"I bet they are, you lightw-" Sucy yawned. "Ah, crap, now I'm getting it."

"Isn't that such a nice thi-" Lotte yawned. "-hoo, that was a nice one. Ahem: isn't it nice that people can share yawns like that?"

"Sure, 'nice.'" Sucy pushed Akko off her bed. "Now let's get dreaming so Great Cthulhu can get his jollies."

The three soon crashed into a deep and abiding slumber.

* * *

At three in the morning the fire alarm sounded, jolting Akko awake. "Whaaa...?" she said.

The door slammed open. "Hello!" one of the art teachers said. She pointed her wand and three canvases with attached pallets of paint and brush wooshed past her and set up in front of the beds. "Paint what's in your heads right now! Happy Cthulhu Day!"

"Hwhuh...?" Lotte said, turning over on the top bunk.

Sucy raised her head and grunted, eyes firmly closed. (Visible eye closed, unseen eye presumed.) "hrgggghrgh" she said.

Lotte tried to climb down and realized she could barely flop her arm over the side of her bunk. Akko grabbed Lotte's wand from the desk and held it up for her to grab.

"thank" Lotte cast a spirit-conjuring spell, awakening the spirit of the paintbrush. The sleep and sleepytime drugs in her system bade the spirit awaken in a hangover-like state of misery.

Akko said something that might have been a word but was more a formless wail.

The three struggled to paint against their muscles and nerves all crying for the pull of the bed.

* * *

Akko burst awake, smacking her head on the boards of the bunk. "Ow, crap!" she said, rubbing her new head bump. "Stupid bed, gettin' in my... way? Hey, didn't we do some painting last night?"

"Did we?" Lotte said. "I thought that was part of my dream." She felt around for her glasses, popped them on, and stared in bug-eyed shock at what was by her bed.

"Whaddaya know," Sucy said, "it's a Cthulhu Day... I don't know what you'd call this. Probably not a miracle."

"Is this what usually happens on Cthulhu Day?" Akko said.

"No, usually it's finger painting or squid sushi or calamari."

"Huh..." Akko squinted at the painting she knew was hers. At least, she remembered fixating on that one particular tentacle and painting it over like a dozen times, inadvertently, it turned out, creating a spooky cubist effect as the bloated octopoid form loomed over a little brunette witch lying curled on a rocky outcropping in a storm-tossed sea, one mighty talon stroking her shoulder with the affection of a man petting a cat.

Lotte's painting was an oily, evocative smear of blacks and grays with two fine dots of crimson, the subject too personal for Lotte to bear. Realizing what it depicted and that she had made it herself broke the dam in her thoughts and the waterworks flowed.

Sucy's was porn. Porny porn porn.

"Wow," Akko said.

"Whose friggin' idea was it to give us those herbs?" Sucy said. "This was, and you know I never use this word in jest, legit."

* * *

Chariot,

Don't ask me how many fingers I had to regrow harvesting these pieces of crap. (It was nine, by the way.) But I think they'll make for a killer Cthulhu Day. Don't tell Holbrooke, just give it to Westermark and make fun of her name for me (e.g. it's after two hilarious things to be named after).

Croix

p.s. I still hate you.


	11. Three White Coins

The sun struggled to rise at nine o'clock and slipped back below the horizon at three, the moon already prominent in the sky by the time the last color of the sunset bled out black. The moon loomed overhead like a visiting planet, close enough that the Man in the Moon was clearly visible in spite of the scar Shiny Chariot gouged into its surface all those years ago.

"This is alright, right?" Akko said. Tonight was a night to wear the full uniform with pointy cap and a sturdy coat for the bitter winter. She felt strong and warm and just a little bit terrified as she and her pals waited in the courtyard.

"Should be," Sucy said, "if somebody hasn't pissed off Mother Mormo." She'd added an extra layer of warm clothes and kept glancing up at the moon.

"Or Daughter or Grandma, right?" Akko said.

"It's a long story."

"I know, I read the book like three times but I can't wrap my brain around it. So she's like actually three people and also Gorgo? Or is Gorgo a friend of hers?"

"Don't think about it," Sucy said, gesturing vaguely.

Lotte just chewed on a gingerbread cookie and waited, humming a song to herself.

The courtyard was packed with people, student witches waiting for the Black Mass around fires mundane and conjured.

"This is the most sacred of the thirteen days of Christmas," Lotte said. "My family only really-I think Amanda called it 'marking out'-we only marked out on Ithaqua's Day and today."

Akko held up her hand. "Because Tsathoggua was the first god to teach humans magic and enable them to use it, but Mormo is the goddess _of_ witches. Right? Born when Yggdrasil fell, she was a three-pronged branch that remained on the moon. Bat Toad just wants us to use magic and make smartass comments at us, Mormo is our, uh... soul-symbol?"

Sucy nodded. "Like Dagon and Hydra for the Deep Ones, or Shugoran for the Tcho-Tcho. She's ours and ours alone, baby."

"Neat!" Akko said. "And our belt buckles are her holy sign? That's pretty hardcore."

"M-hm!" Lotte said. "Waning moon, full moon, waxing moon, interlocking. A sign of the passage of time and the eternity of magic!"

"Well, one of them. It's kind of like the Jesus Fish to the circle with the arrows being the cross," Sucy said.

"Let me write that down," Akko said, typing some memos to herself in her phone.

* * *

"Alright," Headmistress Holbrooke said in the shadow of the statue of Three-Faced Mormo, "now, we select who will take what role for the Ceremony Honoring Mormo!" The chapel was particularly cold and eerie on this night of all nights; the full moon shone through the window bearing one of Mormo's insigniae, the spotlight this created conspicuously avoided by the witches present. Given the terror Wordward famously felt for Mormo, the Blue Moon Abyss remained closed today.

"I volunteer first," Daryl Cavendish said, stepping forward from the small group of witches present.

"Ah, yes! A good fit for the Mother, given your-" Holbrooke said.

"No, no. I will be the Maiden."

Amanda forced a wider smile. "Traditionally the youngest candidates are selected, and further, you did say that you were expecting, yes?"

"Of course," Daryl said, indicating the slit in her wintery dress showing her pubic tattoo of Yig's holy symbol, a white crescent. "Did I not just obtain a 'licentious crest' that the kids these days are all about?"

Diana, who was of course in the running for performing a ritual in the honor of the Triple Goddess, gagged.

"And can a Maiden not be pregnant as well? They're young and fertile after all!"

"In fairness," Finnelan said, "Diana Cavendish was indisposed at this time last year, and being the finest student at our school and part of the reason any of us are standing here today, perhaps you should allow her to play the part of the Maiden."

Daryl took a deep breath and said, "With that in mind, yes, Diana would be the logical choice... in fact, the best." She stepped towards the back of the crowd. "As you were, dear. (Though I humbly petition to be the Mother.)"

"Now," Holbrooke said, "the mother is likewise a difficult decision to make, especially-"

"-since I'm here to be the Crone," Lukic said, breaking into a cackle.

"I'm fine with her being that," Finnelan said.

"I, too," Amanda Holbrooke said.

Mrs. Manbavaran slithered ahead of the group. "It goes without saying that I should be the Mother. Who here has bore a dozen children, including one who has lamentably become a name to know in youth witchery?"

"Yeah, bitch!" Garie said, Mrs. Manbavaran rewarding her outburst with a slap from a fan she carried expressly for slapping. "Ow, hey!"

"We may have a few reasons to object," Holbrooke said. "Not to undermine your maternal authority, of course, but given you're a visitor to-"

"You are known to have cast lightning spells on your own children and we don't want that being the face we show to Mother Mormo," Chariot said, hand on her holstered wand. "Speaking bluntly."

"Hmph. This much is true," Mrs. Manbavaran lay the tip of her fan on her lips. "Of course, I can't nominate Garie and Sabi for the Maiden for reasons which should be obvious."

"I'm afraid those aren't," Holbrooke said against her better judgment.

"It's 'cuz we're guys!" Garie said.

"Yeah," Sabi said, "we're like boys who were born boys and think we're boys and mom just uses girl words 'cause she's embarrassed we're her husbands."

Everybody taking a drink-which by the grace of the Triple Goddess was virtually everyone, drinking hot cocoa or tea or toddy or taking an emergency nip from a flask-spat their drink out. The vast halls of the chapel echoed in a disbelieving clamor.

"Well, let us not talk falsely now," Mrs. Manbavaran quoted, though she slapped both of her husbands with a little extra english.

"Ow! But also we're both Tcho-Tcho so it helps hide that Sucy is our GROSS-ASS LIL' HALF-BREED BABY!" Garie said.

"Yeah, 'cause it takes two guys' mouthparts and one lady to make a Tcho-Tcho baby!" Sabi said. "Come on, look at my scary mouth danglies-" Mrs. Manbavaran shocked the shit out of both of them while going on a lengthy and brutal diatribe in Tagalog.

"Love of the Lorn Mother, can we please move on?" Chariot said, trying to not imagine anything she just learned.

"If I were to be so bold," Holbrooke said, "I propose that Prof. du Nord be the Mother for this year. It was, after all, her tutelage of Ms. Kagari that led to the saving of humanity."

"I, er..." Chariot cleared her throat. "I appreciate the gesture, but let's not forget-"

"Chariot," Amanda said, "nobody has ever lived a life without regrets. Your courage and example saved countless lives. If anyone deserves to be the Mother, it's you."

"I... well.. thank you." Chariot adjusted her glasses. "There's just the little, you know..." She traced the four-pointed star symbol blasted onto the moon's face.

"Ah, you know how the elder gods are about physical injury. She probably hasn't even noticed. Now come on, let's get you dressed up."

* * *

The door to the Archives swung open, and the student body stepped in, roommates arm in arm three at a time.

"Is this why it's three people to a room?" Akko said, with Sucy at her left and Lotte at her right. "Magic witch lucky numbers nad all that?"

Sucy shrugged.

"Bet it is. Calling it, lockin' it down!"

The cavernous ceiling of the archives echoed with the clicking of hundreds of footsteps and the sussurus of whispers. The ambient light was gently blue, the stone floor gently uneven in its wear, and the ambient mana tinged with a certain religious dread: the fear of god.

Amanda Holbrooke stood on a small pulpit before the statue of Mormo. In the spotlight formed by the goddess-moon, side-by-side stood Diana, the Maiden, dressed in a black mourning dress with a gauzy veil, a blindfold over her eyes bearing a rat skull stitched into the fabric over each eye; Chariot, the Mother, in a brown and green dress fringed with owl feathers and bearing a choker with an owl's talons sutured in; and Lukic, the Crone, in eye-searing clashes of color, crawling with live spiders and wearing muffs over her ears. She carried a shorn lamb in her arms with notable ease given her age and visible, even pungent decrepitude.

The students filed into rows guided by their teachers. The murmuring had faded to nothing and the echoing sounds of people shuffling into position was now quieter than it should have been. Akko was incapable of waving with her arms both occupied, but she did jump up a little bit so Diana could see where she was. It was much later before Akko put together that maybe, just maybe, Diana couldn't see her through the blindfold.

The teachers and faculty took their place around the chapel. Amanda Holbrooke raised her wand and cast a silent spell, a green mist rising from the icy floor.

Diana, shoulders square, voice level spoke: "O friend and companion of the night, thou who rejoicest in the baying of dogs and spilt blood..."

Lukic, hunched, voice purring, spoke: "...who wanderest in the midst of shades among the tomb, who longest for blood and bringest terror to mortals..." She lay the goat down before Chariot. Chariot slipped a long, silver-bladed knife free from a hidden place in her dress.

Akko closed her eyes.

Diana and Lukic spoke: "...Gorgo, Mormo, thousand-faced moon, look favorably upon our sacrifices."

Chariot killed the lamb, not in an especially swift way from the sound of it.

"Lillith," said Diana, "Great Lilith, behold the Congregation."

The lamb's noises came to a croaking halt. There was a presence here. Akko opened her eyes and regretted it immediately and thoroughly.

The image of Mormo loomed in the moonbeam, blocking the window and yet allowing the light to pass through. Their form was human-like, though her arms reaching through her long, tattered sleeves were gnarled, thorned roots woven into the imitation of a human hand. Her body was lumpen, misshapen, swaddled in sackcloth and still-wet hides; her face was hidden by a hood. Her legs ended in strips of torn flesh. In silence, Mormo floated down the moonbeam, coming to a stop behind Diana, Chariot (who stood once more, sleeves and chest splashed with blood), and Lukic.

The goddess's avatar pulled back her hood, revealing the face of a young woman of no clear race. Her eye sockets had been nibbled clean by tiny sharp teeth and her face was marred with a vicious, still-wet wound in the shape of the scar on the moon.

"I hear the conjuration, and I choose to grace this place with my presence. Who here has called Our Lady of Darkness?" Her voice was a throaty whisper that reverberated in Akko's ears like a plucked violin string.

"It is I," Diana said, not looking back. "Though I see not, I see the truth of you, Daughter Mormo, Our Lady Of Darkness. You who are the spring and summer, the time of birth and growth. Forever young, may you bless our daughters and sons. May your questants seek tirelessly to better themselves and this dying earth." She was trembling.

Mormo said, placing gnarled hands on Diana's shoulders. "The truth of you cannot hide in my blindness. Diana Cavendish... the wise princess, the occult paladin, ever hunted by a deeper darkness. I taste cold death in your dreams. I hear echoes of your other selves consumed and remade in a perfect final shape. I taste inevitability. Perhaps you are doomed to fall into the open maw of fate and be consumed. Perhaps you are doomed to struggle all your life and never know escape from struggle. Diana, daughter of the daughters of Beatrix, may you live through dark days." She took her hands off of Diana and the young witch shivered, crossing her arms over her chest.

The goddess donned her hood again and loomed behind Lukic. After a long moment where her body flexed and spasmed underneath her swaddling, she once again pulled it off. Her second face had the texture of cracked parchment, drawn taut to the point of tearing over old, stained bones. Spiders nested in her ears, across and inside her cracked skull, down a lipless mouth. Her palet was cleft in the shape of the lunar scar.

"Who else has called my name out to the endless night?" she said. Her voice was rough as shark hide. She placed a hand on Lukic's chest.

"It is I," Lukic said, eyes flitting behind her and a satisfied smirk lighting her face. "You may not hear me, but I hear you, Grandmother Mormo, Our Lady Of Tears. You who are winter, the time of sleep and death. Forever dying, never dead, may your cold hand not be stayed too long in our twilight years. May your questants seek tirelessly to steal the suffering of death and bring it to the living."

"Marija Lukic... a child of a bitter century. Your bones are old, your guts worn thin. The pain of others is the only delight left to you... how sweet this wine of agony. Go forth and live forever in the nightmares of your students. Daughter of the daughters of Karna, may you live through dark days."

Lukic giggled. The elder goddess floated behind Chariot. Once again she changed faces. When she revealed her last face, throwing her hood down behind her, more than one witch in attendance grew violently ill.

Her eyes were motherly and soft, gently wrinkled; her cheekbones high and strong; and her jaw torn clean away, along with it the skin of her neck and upper chest, the raw, blood-pouring wound the shape of Nesting in the wide-open gap, clenched in a nest of pulsing muscles and slickend with blood, was a near-bald, hollow-eyed owl. It shrieked, a noise not quite words. And yet their intent was clear.

"It is I," Chariot said, trying to keep her voice steady and not doing a very good job of it. "You cannot speak to me, but I speak for you, Mother Mormo, Our Lady of Sighs. You who are the fall, the time of growth and fertility. Forever nursing, may your care be with every mother gripped with doubt. May your questants..."

Mother Mormo closed her mighty hands around Chariot's neck and she squeezed, lifting her up. Chariot grabbed at the goddess's powerful hands but could do nothing but pound against them ineffectually. Diana and Lukic stumbled away, Diana falling on her side, Lukic simply giving the goddess plenty of room.

"HEY!" Akko said, yanking her arms free from Sucy and Lotte's grasp, "LEAVE HER ALONE!" She pushed through the witches in front of her 'til she was out in front, yanking her wand out of its holster. She felt a vibration of energy from Mother Mormo and the wand flew away, clattering down the hall a good hundred yards to her right.

"Bye, Akko," Sucy said, softly, with full sincerity.

Mormo relented in her grip, just enough for Chariot to take shrill, terrified breaths, and cast her sorrowful gaze on Akko. The swaddling at Mormo's side shifted; brambled fingers ripped through the fabric and the face of the Crone peered through. "This cailleach has insulted the Ladies," she said. "We gave her the soul of seven teeth and she scarred our faces." Chariot thrashed in her grasp, struggling for breath.

"Well, she was mad! And she didn't know! That's her bad, but-I mean, she did destroy some NASA stuff, but they sent more people to the moon to replace the stuff and people were excited about that! And animals stopped freaking out after a couple years so nature didn't even get hurt either! If that's all that happened and you're some kind of nutso goddess chick that doesn't get hurt by anything, then that couldn't even have hurt all that much!"

The Maiden's face gnawed free of the goddess's other side. "Who are you to tell us what we should feel when our own gift to witchdom is turned upon us?"

"I, uh... because I'm a badass and I saved the world recently. And you helped! With the Shiny Rod and stuff!"

"Akko, please, you don't have to..." Diana said.

"'Saved...'" The goddesses laughed, and the Mother tucked Chariot into the bloody hollow of her chest (bet it was a snug fit for the owl). "If you were to honor me, you would have let the world burn and danced in the ashes. What greater sacrament would there be? What more lovely a gift? What a beautiful thing you ripped from the womb. Come, little child..." The goddess's spare faces ripped free from their clothes, three bodies meeting at what may charitably be described as a hip, a multitude of thorny limbs growing from their sides, some terminating in talons, others in grasping vines, others in fanged maws. "Shall I embrace you?"

Akko felt an expectant sensation in her right hand. She grasped and the familiar weight of the Shiny Rod filled it. "Phaidoari Afairynghor!" She swung the axe down into the floor, embedding the blade. "Gimmie a hug, bitch!"

The Mothers of Darkness, Tears, and Sighs rushed at her, clamboring along on many limbs, and Akko leaped to meet them, smashing at the crone-head.

The avatar's oldest head cracked like an eggshell and decayed into green magic, but a mighty oaken limb snatched her out of the air and smashed her onto the ground, next to the dead lamb. A mawed tentacle slurped the sacrifice into its mouth and crunched it down in an instant.

"Meep," Akko said.

" _Murowa!_ " Diana said, a twinned casting of the attack spell blasting the mouth-limb right in the teeth.

"Diana!" Akko said.

"Yes, Akko, it's me!" Diana said, holding both her and Akko's wands in hand (probably having used magic to retrieve Akko's wand in the first place, Akko guessed!). "Now hold still!" She blasted the tentacle grappling Akko with twin fire-lance spells, burning her free. Those witches brave enough to join the fight pitched spells at the raging avatar, curses and blasts winnowing down its reserves.

"Hey, Mama Mormo, you look thirsty!" Sucy said. "Have some of that _good sip!_ " She pitched a minotaur-rated potion at the Maiden, an entire flask. Her flesh sizzled and her wood burst into flame at contact with the ludicrously deadly spell, and the faculty followed the attack up with a barrage of their deadliest spells, obliterating the body.

The remaining third lifted itself up proudly, bearing the trapped Chariot. "You fight well," she said, with a voice that rattled her bones like distant, ear-shatteringly-loud bass reverberating through the ground. "In honor of your accomplishments I shall offer this one a peaceful death."

"Oh no you won't," Akko said, casting Noctu Orfei Aude Fraetor.

" _Phrasing!_ " Lotte said.

"As you wish." Chariot shrieked in pain as black magic crept up her limbs and towards her face.

"Crap!" Akko said. "Chariot, hold still, I got you-"

Mother Mormo grew a pair of fleshy, root-wrought wings that sprayed a deadly and eye-searing bullet curtain of magic blasts at her attackers, scattering the witches who stood their ground and fought, pushing them into cover with the witches who were perhaps smarter than the ones who fought. Akko focused on drawing an energy bolt back to loose at the goddess, only for her wings to angle entirely at her.

She dodged, or tried to, but a hundred sizzling bolts of force tore through her, each feeling like it dragged away a chunk of her soul. When the fussilade ended, Ako was left smoldering, flesh streaked black, her grip on the Shiny Rod loose. "Chariot..." she gasped, dropping the weapon and falling to her knees. "Chariot, hang in there. I'm almost... I'm..."

"Son of a bitch," Sucy said from behind a spell-pocked pillar, "now would be a great time for a Christmas miracle."

Mormo stepped up to Akko. Already her destroyed pieces were growing, the Crone and Maiden looking upon her with distinctive looks of hunger. Chariot was nearly dead in her grasp. "Akko," she whimpered. "Akko... are you here...?"

"Chariot, hang on..." Akko felt for the fallen Claiomh Solais, but wooden limbs were already dragging her up. "I've got this. I swear I... I swear I..."

"Atsuko Kagari, former bearer of the Claoimh Solais," Mormo said, "what do you possibly see in the worth of this pitiful creature?"

Akko narrowed her eyes at the goddess of witches. "I see the woman who made me into a hero. I see someone I should've never forgiven but who I love with all my heart. So if you're gonna kill us, I hope you've got some seats polished up in Heaven, 'cause we're gonna go there and we're gonna flush towels _all night long._ "

"Akko..." Chariot said, managing to smile.

"Akko..." the Mother said, making a truly gruesome noise with her throat.

"Akko..." the Maiden said.

"Akko..." the Crone said.

"Pardon?" Akko said.

"...did it get warmer in here?" Lotte said.

The goddess loosened her grip on Chariot. Bit by bit, her regular color returned.

"So... that's a change of heart on killing us?" Akko said.

"You called to me, and we came," the Mother said.

"The weight of your hearts are the fires which stoke our presence," the Maiden said.

"Your desires the strings which guide this puppet's motions," the Crone said.

"So, you giving Diana some kinda spooky pep talk, and telling Lukic to scare people, and..." Akko managed to get paler. "Chariot... don't tell me..."

Chariot's small smile faltered.

Akko sniffled. "You... oh man, is this one of those Christmas suicide thingeys I hear so much about? I can't believe I'm actually here for one! After all the amazing stuff that's happened these past couple of years you still wanna... you know..."

"Sometimes," Chariot said. "I know I should be forgiving myself, but it's... it's so hard... thinking about what I've done to you... about how I lied to you... all those awful things..." Thorny tentacles approached her neck.

"Hey, shoo, shoo!" Akko said, gesturing with her head, and the tentacles listened. "Anyway! Chariot, I'm not a doctor or anything, so I don't wanna say anything stupid that might backfire, but I can tell you this: if you weren't here I wouldn't be here and none of us would be here. So no matter how bad you feel you gotta remember that we love you and we need you so if you get the urge, tell us, or call somebody, or whatever it takes, because if you were gone everything would be worse."

There was a brief silence. Akko began whistling "God Only Knows."

Mormo set Chariot and Akko on the ground, and Akko caught her teacher as she fell.

"Thank you," Chariot said, hugging her.

"Any time, teach," Akko said, hugging back.

Diana joined the pile and hugged them both.

The avatar of Mormo turned to the full moon and vanished into the moonlight.

"So, uh, nothing like an apology from Mormo or anything?" Akko said.

"We're alive, that's as much as an apology as the gods give," Diana said, smiling grimly.

"No wonder Conan was super grumpy at 'em all the time," Akko said.

"I think I need a shower," Chariot said.

"Here," Finnelan said, helping the lot of them up. "There's a hidden one in the chapel. Don't ask."

"I'll scare up some clothes!" Badcock said.

"And I'll brew some hot toddy," Lukic said.

Jasminka cleared her throat.

"I'll let the fat one brew us some hot toddy," Lukic said.

"That's better," Jasminka said.

"Well!" Amanda Holbrooke said, "That was one of the least-eventful Mormo Days I've seen in my life! Congratulations, everyone, that was a nice and tidy summoning. And, ah, Chariot, sweetie, if you need someone to talk to, I'm always available."

"Same here, hon," Finnelan said.

Badcock ruffled a bit, but let the feeling go. Emotions ran high on Mormo Day among survivors and ghosts alike.

"Well," Akko said. "what else do you do on Mormo Day?"

"Get drunk and try to forget Mormo Day," Sucy said.

"Hell yeah. Let's do it."


	12. Two Copper Marks

The snow fell in a wall of fat flakes. The outside world was utterly lost to the blizzard. Akko and Diana were alone in the student union, cuddling under a thick blanket on a nice chair facing a tall window giving them an excellent view of the white-out.

"What's today's schtick?" Akko said.

"Show hospitality to visitors," Diana said, "and ask no undue questions. Anyone could be Nyarlat Hotep, and nothing he has to teach is good to know, but when he's in a good mood, he may be giving."

"Hm. Alright. Anything else?"

"No m'am," Diana said, huddling closer to Akko. "It's all ours."

"Wonderful," Akko said, resting her head on Diana's shoulder.

The two soon dozed off.

* * *

Constanze held up a sign: "Who here has seen The Thing?"

Amanda and Sucy raised their hands. Lotte, Jasminka, whatever-their-faces-were who followed Diana around, Wangari, Wangari's options, plus that Avery chick who the what's-their-faces knew, kept theirs down. They were spread around the Constanze Cave, sharing snacks and drinks and readying for their first Christmas movie to play.

Cons grinned and waved her wand. The lights went down low, the projector clattered to life, and a good way to spend a day snowed in to a remote location unspooled before them.

* * *

Today no visitors came to Luna Nova, and for one night in December, there was peace.

Other than the brief scare about someone being a Thing From Another World, but that was just Lotte's imagination running away with her.  
Probably.

Statistically, anyway.


	13. And the Five-Branched Sign of the Three

After two feet of snowfall and the distant howling of Ithaqua all thought the night, the sky brightened behind the snow clouds on a frosted Luna Nova lit from within by magic, delight, and relief. And presents.

"Merry Christmas!" Akko said. "Now let's open our dang presents!"

"Let's," Sucy said.

The room was decked out in fairy lights and Lotte's phone played Christmas music as they dug into their gifts. Akko ripped open a care package from home first.

"Pickled plums, mom's lemon tarts she likes to make-oh, look!" She held up a couple of carded action figures that looked oddly familiar. "It's bootleg action figures of me and Diana! How awesome is that?!" She held her HERO WITCH action figures beside her head, trying to mimic the brown-haired not-Akko's slightly lopsided expression.

"It's like there's two of you," Sucy said. She held up an Amazon gift card from her mother.

Lotte wrapped herself up in a big soft blanket her parents wove her and investigated her next present. "Huh, this one's from Sucy?" She lit up once she liberated it from its prison of paper and cardboard. "Ohhhhh it's a Night Fall official Carrier Bag of Holding! Oh my G... in the name of the Outer Gods!" She checked the instruction sheet tucked under the flap. "It holds up to fifty Night Fall books?! That's amazing!"

"I figured you weren't gonna go digital any time soon," Sucy said, a forlorn smile on her face as she watched Akko attack her next present. "So I thought I'd give you a taste of the good life."

Lotte was already cramming books off the shelf and into the bag. "I can get more of my books out of storage! Oh, I should leave a buffer in here for the next books... but I've got a couple months, I should be fine... oooh, this is too wonderful! Thank you, thank you!" She gave Sucy a hug, to Sucy's squirming dismay.

"That's enough, there," she said, gently pushing Lotte away, who got the message after a moment. "You're welcome, by the way."

"Ooh, Diana got me a porg plush!" She wiggled a fat cat-pug-hamster-puffin with the soulfully distressed eyes of a possum. "Now Alcor has a lil' brother!" She grabbed her childhood plush and squeezed the dolls together.

Sucy rest her head in her hands and watched her roommates pal around with their Christmas goodies and a shameful feeling of jealousy washed over her. "Merry Christmas," she said.

"Merry it is," Lotte said.

"In fact... I think we've got one more gift to go!" Akko said.

Sucy raised an eyebrow. A hidden one, mind. Gotta maintain that air of ironic detachment. "One more, huh."

"Yes, we do," Lotte said. "On the count of three, Akko." She held out her wand as Akko held out hers. "One, two..."

"Three! Gaura cheii!" A glowing white tether connected their wands; the two of them stepped away from each other, and an economy-sized bucket of marshmallow fluff thumped onto the floor. A post-it note on the side read "Merry Christmas Sucy."

"I..." Sucy hiccupped. "I don't think I've ever been, uh, _conventionally_ good enough for a gift like this."

"You're one of my besties, Sucy," Akko said. "Plus, world-saving."

"Just give us a little heads up before you get carried away, okay?" Lotte said.

"S-sure," Sucy said, struggling to keep, among other things, her tears from bursting free in a blatant display of human weakness. "Thanks, you two."

"Hugs?" Lotte said.

"...fine, sure," Sucy said, and hugs were had.

* * *

A little later in the drama department, Akko killed a little time by reading her book on Witchmas.

The last day of Christmas, Akko read, was the day devoted to the Outer Gods themselves: Azathoth, god of entropy, Shub-Niggurath, goddess of fecundity, and Yog-Sothoth, god of space-time. Their symbol looked like a simple drawing of a tree: a straight line with three upward-slanting diagonal branches reaching left and two more reaching right. The book had it as the pupil of a burning eye in a pentagram, the safest way to present the Elder Sign (so the book said).

Unlike other witchgods, these three were not stranded on Earth; they were present everywhere in the universe due to the nature of what they were. Other gods were, in a technical sense, alien entities of such scope and power that "god" was the only way to describe them. The Big Three were more like laws of physics with agendas and something like personalities. Only people who absolutely know what they are doing are to engage in their worship directly, rather than going through Nyarlat Hotep, their soul and voice. Worship of these gods was the spiritual equivalent of handling the Demon Core, where one mistake would lead to spectacular death.

Thus the Day of the Three was devoted to briefly acknowledging the gods and then celebrating regular mundane-style Christmas as hard as possible. One was encouraged to get weird with it, if one were so inclined.

"Is this our version of gettin' weird with it?" Akko said.

Constanze, setting up a rear projector nearby, grunted.

"It's not Christmas music, although it is awesome!" Akko said. "So I ain't complainin'."

"Better not," Sucy said as she analyzed the flashpots set around the stage. "We've been practicing this slightly off-screen all month." She made sure Lotte was nowhere near and whispered, "Especially the parts Lotte doesn't know about."

"Oh yeah," Akko said, winking and giving a thumbs up. "This is gonna be her best Christmas present this year."

LINEBREAK LINEBREAK LINEBREAK

A dozen or so students opted to show up to the big show advertised on fliers Wangari handed out after Akko's victory over the avatar of Mormo:

WOODEN WINTER

X

SUCY MANBAVARAN and the SUCY MANBAVARAN BAND

present

2112: A MUSICAL INTERPRETATION

BE THERE, SLUTS

The show was, for once, not in the cafeteria, but the actual stage the drama department used to put on their performances (though an enterprising Hannah and Barbara set up a snack stand just inside).

In the wings, Akko taped her mic on. "Man oh man, I can't wait! This is gonna be killer!"

"Remember," Sucy said in American sign language to the rest of the crew, "Akko's mic is not on because she sings like one of those screaming frogs."

"Pardon?" Lotte said.

"It's cool," Wangari said, signing back "If you didn't turn it off I would have." "Anyway! On your marks, kids, outfits on, and when the magic happens, let it happen as hard as it can. It's Miracle Day, bitches! Fistbump!"

The two bands engaged in a collective fistbump with assorted sound effects.

* * *

The lights came down, the curtains rose. The rear projection kicked in as Joanna played eerie synth notes on her keytar, starfields and planets from old cartoons giving abstract, intermittent silhouettes to Wooden Winter that became more defined as the stock footage grew more intense and bright as the music grew more fierce and commanding. Lotte, not yet on stage, spoke the first line of the song.

The limelights kicked in and Wooden Winter was revealed in all their splendor:

Wangari, in a silver dress with a prominent red star on the chest and no shoes, on lead guitar and vocals for the Priest of Syrinx.

Joanna on keytar, Kimberly on bass, and Gaelle (the German girl Akko sat next to in Magic Philosophy, she knew her!) on drums, all in silvery vaguely Soviet-ish uniforms with furry hats. What was it about German girls and drums at this school?

And, of course, Akko on cowbell.

Sucy had to hand it to her, Wangari could shoulder the weight of the guitar and get plenty athletic without missing a note. On one hand, she would've preferred to be the bad guy. On the other, her outfit for her role was pretty neat, so...

She played her first few notes as the lights went out and the stock footage went from assorted cyberpunk movies to caves with waterfalls and all that good stuff. Under cover of darkness Wooden Winter magicked their asses off-stage and Akko distracted the audience by taking front stage, metamorphie-ing from her Priests of Syrinx uniform into a shimmery fairy getup and exchanging cowbell for rain stick. She had like six costume changes, part of a silent apology for keeping her from singing or musicking too distractingly.

Sucy played soft, plucking guitar and as the lights returned a little Lotte wandered on stage in her humble peasant dress, approaching Robo-Sucy strumming her guitar while seated on a rock. Part clever use of metamorphie magic, part excuse to put on excessive amounts of 80s makeup, Strange Device Sucy had shiny plastic skin and helmet-like hair and kitchy Tron-style light-lined clothes and a bitchin' guitar.

The choreography for Lotte finding the Strange Device and finding out it made beautiful music was a little more touchy-feely than Sucy would have preferred with a female partner, but it made Lotte happy, and, well, she still felt the ghost of apologetic...ness... over how things got that last day in Vegas-Waikiki. So let 'er sing her happy little Finnish heart out. Girl had the voice of an angel anyway.

The rest of the Sucy Manbavaran Band emerged in clouds of fog via, what else, magic: Jasminka on bass (subbing for an enchanted self-playing bass they usually had propped up while playing) and Constanze on drums. Akko's outfit switched out for a colorful dancing outfit as she went nuts on-stage, blissfully ignorant of what the rest of the performers were doing. Wooden Winter reemerged via their own magic in time for the idealistic protagonist played by Lotte to be confronted for daring to bring forth a music thing that played music they didn't approve of.

The intense guitar duel between Strange Device Sucy and Priest of Syrinx Wangari was the stuff of school paper headlines, going on a bit longer than the classical composition as Lotte had the idea that their performance of 2112 would be exactly 21 minutes and 12 seconds long, and nobody present could think of a reason to say no. It ended, as the song demanded, with Wangari victorious and proudly stepping on the defeated SD Sucy, Sucy going the extra mile to feign displeasure at the turnout and Wangari pretending that Sucy meant it.

The bands slunk into the wings and played together for the next leg of the composition, where Lotte went back to the Lotte Cave and had a trippy vision guided by Oracle Outfit Akko and cutscenes from Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri. Lotte got into her role with a fervor that actually exceeded Akko's, dancing with her less like a partner and more like a pet cat she was confiding in, up to picking her up under her arms and spinning around with her with sheer excitement at the prospect of the Elder Race returning. Which, of course, led to a nice, melodramatic comedown once the vision ended.

Lotte climbed to the top of a big prop rock and as she sang the last lines of the protagonist in the darks(?) of despair, took a dramatic dive off and into the arms of Super Armor Oracle Action Akko, with the concluding instrumental soon kicking into high gear as the two bands reemerged, Sucy Manbavaran and the Sucy Manbavaran Band in matching Super Armor Oracle Action outfits as the Elder Race of Man reclaimed the solar system, flash pots sending bursts of flames and sparks into the air when dramatically appropriate or Akko hit the wrong foot pedal trigger.

Sucy planted her high-heeled boot on a fallen Wangari and intoned over her microphone the last words of the song. Constanze squeezed out a few more seconds' worth of drum solo before they hit the 21:12 mark, and the performers paused for applause.

The remaining students obliged.

Akko had an idea and improvised a few lines of dialog. Mysteriously, it didn't get picked up by the microphone, so she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted "HEY, GUY! GOOD SHOW THERE! BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY WORDS ABOUT THE NICE PEOPLE WHO SHOWED UP?"

"Goddammit, Akko," Sucy said through her teeth while smiling.

"Words?" Lotte said, confused. Joanna played a few echoing notes on her synth, Akko shook a bead-covered rattle, and Wangari plucked a few notes imprinted on her very soul. "Oh-ooooh. Why, yes, I know an old song about these people..."

Wooden Winter and Sucy Manbavaran and the Sucy Manbavaran Band came together for a surprise encore of "Homeworld (The Ladder)," Lotte's favorite song of all time. Sucy quietly excused herself as the rest of the team got into the swing of it.

Tiptoeing behind the projection screen, she crept up to Diana. "You ready?" she whispered.

"Of course," Diana said, cracking her knuckles.

"Hang tight... yooooou," Sucy said, not looking at Diana.

* * *

"-WE FOLLOW THE SUN!" Lotte sang, and exhausted, fell into Wangari's arms, sweaty but content. Sucy was playing guitar somewhere, and someone else a few tinkly, impish notes of piano. The rest of the players drew their playing to a close (Constanze and Gaelle holding out their drumsticks and letting them clatter to the ground) 'til only the last instrumentation of the song remained: Sucy playing guitar somewhere, and a few impish notes of piano from... someone, that's for sure.

Lotte prepared to sing the final verse, but someone beat her to it. A soft, melodic, and intimately familiar voice.

"Truth is a simple place..."

The rear projection screen rose up. Behind it, lit by a single spotlight, was Diana, playing the piano, and Lilou Phalène-Jannson, in a plain white dress, standing, waiting. One hand out, her green wedding band glinting in the light.

Sucy, from the shadows, killed Lotte's mic before she blubbered into it and damaged the effect. For oh did the tears flow, as she crept across the stage, unsure what to expect as she reached for Lilou's hand, and took it, and her hand was warm and soft and small like in her memories.

"...as I will always need you, inside my heart," Lilou said, and the curtains closed on the couple.

For their part, Diana and Sucy bailed with a quickness to give them some breathing room.

* * *

"Well, that was pretty great!" Akko said, taking the opportunity to hydrate while the bands cooled down in the green room, yanking out earplugs, restoring electrolytes, removing makeup, de-metamorphie-ing their outfits, all that good stuff.

"How exactly were you able to set that up?" Diana said.

"Mm, it's a long story," Sucy said. "But, suffice to say..."

Outside in the snow, some big spooky thing howled its intense displeasure at being summoned.

"Might've involved calling in a raid boss to Luna Nova, admittedly," Sucy said.

"So we're gonna fight a monster?" Wangari said. "Hell yeah! I still got a shitload of energy and I need to fight something."

"Well, the faculty orgy is probably still in full swing," Sucy said, "so yeah, logically, it's up to us, as ever."

"Hell yeah!" Akko said. "Let's get us some XP!"

Constanze pumped a shotgun. "Lock 'n load," she said.

Akko and her friends rode out to battle against a rampaging Dark Young of Shub-Niggurath, Lotte and Lilou spent some time together, and the faculty at Luna Nova kept having dirty, dirty mature-lady group sex.

All but one.

* * *

Chariot held out her cup of mulled wine. "To a better tomorrow," she said.

Croix, with some hesitation, met her toast. "For all of us."

The two watched the epic battle unfold from their window, and for a while, at least, it was almost like being in love again.


End file.
